starry eyed

So that's it, I might just have done the worst I have ever done in an exam. Actually no, you can't beat my Year 10 mocks performance where I flopped in half of my subjects. However, I can't see how I could get above 50% in any of the papers I've done so far, esPECially Maths 2 today, and History 2.

I want to bury myself in a hole somewhere...

Let's talk music.


Everybody (i.e. Huw Stephens, Nick Grimshaw.. and the rest of Radio 1?) has been bangin on about Ellie Goulding. The single's 'Starry Eyed', and it is pretty sik. The first time I heard it was a few months ago, from Pretty Much Amazing? Or ohhcrapp.net? Some music blog. I go on so many different ones that I don't keep track. Oh, it was from disco dust.

...Back to the point: at first I really wasn't into it, but maybe that's only cause I was downloading something else and that track was an 'also recommended' track, so I just downloaded it for kicks, and only listened to the first ten seconds. But now that I've properly listened to it, I liiiiike.


‘Starry-eyed’ – Ellie Goulding


Jakwob remix of that tune

xxxx

tupac showed me the way...

Revision for the mocks is officially failing. I am more interested in preparing for my ToK presentation (which is AFTER the mocks) than revising. You can't blame me – I'm meant to be studying 'God of Small Things' by Arundhati Roy, and I lie not: its appalling-ness is bringing me to tears. It's not a bad plot at all, but she writes. Like this. Like A Child, Who Doesn't Understand – Punctuation.

Like this.

Yeah. I. Have. Two. Words. In. My. Mind. When. I'm. Reading. It.

“Help”. “Me”.

You know, short sentences, new paragraphs every five seconds, a gazillion words from the thesaurus.. It’s killing me softly.

Let’s get away from the topic of that book.

I don’t know about you guys, but today, instead of revising Maths and shit, I learnt about Tupac. Or 2pac. Gah I’ll just go with Tupac, it looks nicer. Anyway, I’m sure most of you know his story; if not, check out his Wikipedia, it’s quite comprehensive. I'm aware that Wikipedia isn't always trustworthy, so I am gonna research it some more, but the basics are there. Probably. What brought tears to my eyes was reading that his ashes were mixed with marijuana and smoked by Gallowz. It may have been total bullshit, but it moved me all the same.

Why Tupac?

Last summer, my friend and I did the obligatory presentation for the Theory of Knowledge course, but unfortunately it wasn’t focused enough on a real-life situation. So we now have to redo it. In search of a new topic, I’ve been looking through newspapers and noting down anything that’s caught my eye. The recurring theme has been ‘control’, i.e. the lengths to which governments would go, with the justification that they’re trying to run their countries. I also noted down ‘celebrity culture’, in response to the Celebrity Big Brother items.

However, what really focused my choice of topic was… hearing ‘Uprising’ by Muse on the radio. (I told you music inspires me.) This kick-started a long chain of reaction of research. I found myself reading comments on song lyric websites, on the Industry Exposed website, listening back to various songs... let's jus say that some conspiracy theories on various comments I read led me to research Tupac. and this is has shown me the light, for my tok presentation. I won't say any more.

Anyway, there is more to my discovery of Tupac than just ‘it helped me find a ToK presentation topic’. With the arrival of the Cambridge offers, the idea of Oxbridge and university and my future in general has just come back to haunt me and make me panic slightly. This is why reading about Tupac had a profound, even overwhelming, impact on me. The tragedy of his death (and life), and the fact that people aren’t waking up to the messed-up state of our music industry (which his death is blatant proof of) – when I saw both of these, needless to say Oxbridge seemed trivial and worthless. The music industry is so lost in its own shit it kills me.

I hate calling it an ‘industry’, makes it seem so meaningless, manufactured. That’s what it is now though, isn’t it? What’s music about now? The number of records you sell, the number of no.1s you have, the amount of praise you get from Simon Cowell, the number of sold-out gigs you have, how many of your fans want to sleep with you, being able to get your own private jets, the flashingflashingflashing lights you get everywhere you go, how many magazine covers you do, how many TV/billboard adverts you manage to score… Gah I wanna cry.

I won’t though, because I’ve never felt so inspired. My dream of entering the music industry is a recent one, but one which, out of all my career aspirations, I have felt least unconfident about, because I actually feel something for it, I actually care about it. Reading Tupac’s story woke me up, to the fact that Oxbridge isn’t necessary for me to make something of my life or make a difference. The one who makes the biggest difference to my own future is… (surprise surprise) me.

xxxx

p.s. God my posts are depressing now aren't they?! No more 'I got CRUNKKKKK' or 'woohoo let's celebrate cause I'm eighteeeeeeeeen or it's CHRISTMASSSSSS or it's the TENSIES (yeah, someone texted me on NYD, saying 'Happy New Year, welcome to the Tensies!'. How ugly.) Well, they’ll probably lighten up after my mocks. Or maybe they won’t, cause I’ll have done so phenomenally terribly in them that I might get…outlawed, or something. Woop!

p.p.s If you disagree with me about anything here, especially the state of the music industry, you’re welcome to comment and SHOUT AT ME.

Suffering for Him

I have a quite a bit I need to blog about.



Yesterday morning, I dropped my sister off at church, and was on my way out, when my mum ran out of church, beckoning me to come back 'because it's the first service of the year' and blahblahblah. So I followed.

During the session, I was half-expecting to be converted back to Christianity, half not being able to focus and therefore getting bored, half thinking about the revision I could have been doing. The guy doing the sermon was the assistant vicar, whom I LOVE. He's young, can speak in public, is passionate about what he's saying, and doesn't try to convert us. But, whereas he usually has loads of anecdotes, this sermon had more studying of Bible passages in it. Today's sermon was called something along the lines of 'Relying on God', talking about Paul and how he suffered for God. Then at one point, the ass't vicar said to us 'would you suffer for God?' This got me thinking: I know that I'm going to suffer, but I don't know whether I'd be prepared to suffer for God.

My history with God isn't too straightforward, nor is it something that I can remember very well, mainly because of the long church-going hiatus I have had up till now. Before going to church that day, I'd say I vaguely believed, but disliked the idea of religion. Conflicts between religion, religion becoming an institution, and all that. I'm not the type to preach my religion either. So what I understood by 'Are you going to suffer for God?' was 'are you going to preach about him, regardless of what shit you get in return?', and my answer was, bluntly put, no.

As soon as I watched this video, I cried. For two reasons. Realising that life (and God) might actually throw shit at you like having a dead daughter. But most importantly, that, with God, it doesn't hurt as much. I know many people will read this and think that I've been converted and that I'm believing a load of brainwashing bullshit. Well.. I have nothing to say to you, really. I'm not converted - I'm beginning to be. And I recognise that believing in God could just be a security blanket, a way of making it better. That doesn't really bother me though. I don't think God, if He exists, really gives a shit about that (as long as you believe in him, hah), and if it gets you through life, then isn't that enough? Everybody has a force within them, and some choose to think of it as God, that's all. Call it naive? I call it faith.

...I can't believe I just wrote a whole post about God and religion.

xxxx

ps I'm really interested in what you guys think, so drop me a comment through the link below.
pps the guy speaking in the video is called John Piper. Check out his website if you're interested.

First post of 2010

This post is gonna be slightly boring cause I'm doing the obligatory start-of-year 'what is this year gonna be about for me'. I've made a big deal about the end of 2009 and of the decade. That's because it's only just hit me how good these years have actually been. True, there have been really bad bits. But there's no point wallowing in dejection. It's the good bits that jump out at me... Just goes to show how little I appreciate when it's actually there in front of me, doesn't it.

I'm trying to start 2010 refreshed and psyched up, raring to go. It's a fat shame that my exam mocks are scheduled at the beginning of the year, which ruins the new year buzz slightly. Ok go away negative vibes. I LOVE NEW STARTS: 2010, HIT ME.

What I hope to get out of 2010? For things to work out well or at least happen, in terms of

- University/gap year shizz
- Career aspirations (possibly a law/journalism/radio/anything-in-the-music-industry internship)
- The IB. Hopefully I'mmer get my act sorted and focus.
- Lurrrrve. Find a nice boy. If not then I can always hit the bottle. Joking. I'm officially on an alcohol hiatus until the next big thing, which is...probably tomorrow. Ok, again, joking. I'm serious this time. Oh, talk about the devil -
- Alcohol. Develop a healthier attitude towards it.
- The Classics Magazine. Yeah, I really am that much of a classics geek. Improve on the last issue, preferably putting out a BANGIN one, seeing as it'll be my last one.
- Music. Pick up the piano again, and learn to play the harmonica. And stretch my cultural horizons by being open to new genres. More live music!
- Friends. Cherish the ones I have. Reconnect, or get to know them.
- Oh my god how did I not think of this earlier – My body. Lose 15 kg. I'mmer say bye bye to all this podge and cellulite.

I've got more that I could add to this list but I think that's quite enough for you guys. It's the beginning of 2010, I won't bore you (I have the whole of 2010 to do that). What do I look forward to in 2010? Well seeing as I'm not really an early planner, the list for this is relatively short/vague.

- All the upcoming 18th birthdays..alcohol..fun fun fun. (JOKING.)
- Founder's Day.
- The end of the IB. FINALLY. May 2010.
- My four-month (?) summer holiday. Still have to plan that.
- Valedictory Service
- Canons Ball.
- Possibly throwing an end-of-exams party.
- (Hopefully) getting my IB Diploma.
- Reading '10. Camp Ting...IRIE IRIE IRIE.
- Starting university (if I get into one I like), or embarking on an adventure if I choose the gap year path

Clearly I don't plan ahead, at all. All these things are either related to end of exams/leaving school or they're Reading or 18th birthdays parties that haven't even been planned. Hmm, maybe that's a hint as to what 2010 is gonna be about?

Need I say it: Bring on 2010. I'm gonna rip this shit.

xxxx